Memoirs of the Marauders
by Sorkel
Summary: Ficlets of insight into the Marauders' everyday life.
1. James the Mad Hatter

**James Potter the Mad Hatter**

James Potter rushed into the dorm that he shared with Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, peter Pettigrew and Frank Longbottom. Failing to hide a gigantic package behind his back, he yelled, "Guys! Guess what I bought!"

They answered, "A photo frame to hold a life-size portrait of Lily."

"No."

"A broom."

"No, silly, I already have one of those."

"Oh, I know," piped Peter, "a lifetime supply of candy!"

Sirius sat up alert. "No, even better, a lifetime supply of cheek ointment for you to use every time your girlfriends slap you because you talk about Lily too much." The Marauders except James burst out in laughter.

James gave Sirius a funny look before replying, "Not funny, Padfoot. Look!" With that, he produced a velvet, purple top hat. "Isn't it great guys?" he asked. Oblivious to his friends' shocked stares, he put it on and twirled around a bit.

Sirius, being the balmiest of the four with only rare moments of sanity, was the first to recover. "Merlin, Prongs, it's brilliant! I congratulate you," he commented while shaking James' hand fervently.

Unfortunately, the teachers were not as enthusiastic as Sirius was when James wore his hat to his classes the next day. Professor McGonagol insisted that he remove the ridiculous headwear. James refused and pouted like a five-year old, earning him detention. Reluctantly, he took it off, not wanting to have to miss quidditch practice because of a detention, but it returned to his head immediately after the bell rang for break.

Lily was conversing with her friends beside the lake when the Marauders exited the building. James with his hands jammed in his pockets, whistling a merry tune, led the way to their favorite spot under the oak. She noticed that he was once again wearing that bizarre hat of his. "Honestly," she thought to herself, "I don't know what goes on in that brain of his. I think that whatever it is cannot be good for his health. Wait, I can't be concerned or Potter. Stop it, Lily, stop it." Her thoughts were interrupted by a new distraction. Amanda Brown, James' current girlfriend, bounded up to him, squealing with delight at his new "accessory" (to put it in her terms) and attached herself onto his arm. As they sat down, the hat slid to one side of his head. Spotting Lily, he gave her a lop-sided grin. Lily was about to smile back, but caught herself in the nick of time and mentally hit herself for being silly. Luckily for her, Amanda, who while straightening his hat and pecking him on the cheek, had already claimed his attention.

"Lily, Lily, Lily Evans! Are you listening?" exclaimed one of her friends.

Turning her attention back to them, she replied, "Yes, of course."

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**A/N: I did have a classmate who bought a hat like that. I thought that it would be a nice plot. hehe. Anyways, hope you like it and please review!!!**


	2. If You Were Gay

**Disclaimer: To my utter disappointment, the Marauders do not belong to me, and the song "If You Were Gay" belongs to the ingenious Avenue Q. **

**A/N: I do realize my last chapter wasn't great, so I spent some time on this one. Please review because I love them so much! Oh, and there is a little bit of slash so if you don't like it, please don't read.****

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****If You Were Gay**

Light streamed in the window of the dormitory. Remus Lupin stretched out on the window seat and sighed. He thought to himself, "Such a beautiful afternoon. Blue sky, birds chirping and best of all, no Padfoot or Prongs to bother me. Just me and my favorite book. How could it get any better than this?"

Just as he opened his book to the first chapter, the door slammed open. Without even looking up, he murmured, "Hello, Padfoot. Where's Prongs?"

"How did you know it was me?" Sirius Black exclaimed. "Prongs is once again courting the extravagant Lily Evans. Poor bloke. Never gets the hint does he?" He strode over to his bed and threw his Honeyduke bags onto the floor under it. He could tell by the fact that Remus ignored him that Remus wasn't really listening. Letting out a small chuckle, he knew just what to do to get his revenge.

Tiptoeing over to the window, he placed his face right next to Remus', knowing full well how much the werewolf hated his bubble to be popped. Sure enough, it was only seconds later that Remus let out an exasperated growl.

"What, Padfoot?"

"Oh, nothing my dear Moony" answered Sirius. "It's just that you'll never guess what happened to me at Honeydukes this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me."

"That's great Padfoot."

"He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!"

Remus shifted slightly in his seat and cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?" he asked. "Why should I care? I don't care. What did you buy?"

"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Moony."

Remus jumped up and shouted, "I'm NOT getting defensive!" Realizing how stupid he sounded, he sat back down and returned to reading. "What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read."

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Moony. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."

"I don't want to talk about it, Sirius! This conversation is over!"

"Yeah, but…"

"OVER!" yelled Remus. His afternoon was now utterly ruined.

"Well, okay, but just so you know…" Sirius replied and started singing,

"If you were gay,

That'd be okay,

I mean 'cause, hey,

I'd like you anyway.

Because you see,

If it were me,

I would feel free to say,

That I was gay

But I'm not gay."

An irritated Remus repeated, "Padfoot, please, I am trying to read!"

Sirius quietly folded his arms and sat down next to the werewolf. Peering into Remus' face, he stayed stock still.

Finally, not taking the tension anymore, Remus asked, "What?!"

"If you were queer," Sirius sang in reply. Standing up, he struck a pose with his hand over his heart and continued:

"I'd still be here,

Year after year,

Because you're dear to me."

"Padfoot, seriously." Seeing the impish grin on Sirius' face, he hastily added, "No pun intended." His friend shrugged.

"And I know that you,

Would accept me too."

"Padfoot, you're out of your mind!"

"If I told you today,

That I was gay,

But I'm not gay.

I'm happy…"

"Obviously," muttered Remus darkly.

"…Just being with you."

"Merlin I can't take this anymore."

"So what should I care…"

At this moment, Remus stood up and yelled, "Sirius Black! Shut up!"

"…What you do in…"

Fuming, the werewolf grasped his friend's face and covered Sirius' mouth with his own. Satisfied that Sirius had fallen silent, Remus whispered, "Much better." He grabbed his book and returned to reading, blushing a little.


	3. Valentine

**Valentine**

"Hey, Padfoot! Can I have some of your valentine chocolate?" inquired Peter, who had been eyeing Sirius' enormous pile.

"Knock yourself out," Sirius replied. Turning to James, he asked, "What's our score now on detentions?"

"Fifty-nine to fifty-eight, mate."

"We'll be even soon if not more then." Grinning, he leaned back as far as he could on the bench, crossed his feet and clasped his hands behind his head. James gave him a curious glance as an owl swooped toward the staff table from the rafters. By the time it landed in front of McGonagall, every eye in the Great Hall was watching it.

A little unnerved from the stare of the students and professors, Professor McGonagall warily untied the letter and opened it, but little did she know that it was a big mistake. The letter was no ordinary letter but a howler beautifully concealed by the King of Pranks (the title he refers to himself as) himself.

The high-pitched squeal at the beginning of the "letter" filled the hall, followed by, "OH MINNIE DARLING, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I JUST CANNOT HOLD BACK ANYMORE! YOU ARE THE JULIET TO MY ROMEO, THE GODDESS TO MY GOD, THE LILY TO MY JAMES (HEAR THAT PRONGSIE!!). YOU ARE MY EVERYONE. LOVE, YOUR SECRET ADMIRER."

The ripping of the howler was drowned by the laughter of the students, even Dumbledore let out a low chuckle only to be silenced by a sharp glare from McGonagall. "Sirius Black, my office, now!" she barked.

Lazily, Sirius stood up and yelled back, "I guess you'll be more comfortable declaring your undying love for me in a more private place." As the laughter escalated, so did the rouge of the professor's face. She stalked over to the Gryffindor table, seized Black by the ear and twisted it. She dragged him out of the Great Hall. "Disgraceful," "not worthy of being a Gryffindor," and "big trouble" could be heard among Sirius' yelps of pain.

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**A/N:** Sorry it's two months late. I'm having some trouble with making it as humorous as possible, so if you have any ideas that you want for a ficlet (or you just want to make me happy), please review!!


	4. Handprint

**Handprint **

Detaching himself from his current girlfriend, Sirius Black made his way towards James Potter who was eating lunch with the hood of his robes securely attached to his head, concealing his face. Sitting down, Sirius tugged at James' hood.

"Leggo, Padfoot," James said as he shoved away Sirius' hand.

Pulling harder, "Eh, come on Prongsie. What are you hiding your pretty face for?" With a final tug, the hood slipped off the boy's head, revealing a crimson mark covering his left cheek.

"I, er, ran into a wall," mumbled James.

Sirius scoffed, "So the wall had fingers, did it?"

Looking up from his book, Remus informed Sirius that James had once again been rejected by a certain redhead after a bout of very immature courting methods. Shaking his head disappointedly, Sirius placed his arm around James' shoulders and sighed, "Prongsie, love, let me teach the real ways to charm a girl. Believe me, they work every time." He then proceeded to teach James on the pick up lines he used all the time, which he ensured would work on Lily, while James eagerly took mental notes.

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Remus glanced up from his dinner as James and Sirius dejectedly sat down across from him. James stared miserably at his empty plate while Sirius stared bewilderedly into space, both sporting a bright crimson handprint on their left cheeks.

Chuckingly lowly, Remus inquired, "Shot down again, huh, Prongs?"

Prongs nodded despairingly. Sirius, however, took the turn of events the hardest and muttered endlessly, "But they always work, always. She's not a girl. That's got to be it. That's right because they always work, always…"

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**A/N:** I tried my best to make it longer but it still turned out really short. Please review because if you do, my friend who'll be dictator of the world one day will give you a country to rule!!


	5. Frosty the Matchmaker

**Disclaimer: Billy Elliot and Harry Potter don't belong to me. **

A/N: I borrowed the Christmas scene from "Billy Elliot" because I thought it fit them so well. I edited the end a little. If you haven't seen the movie, rent it and watch it! Review please.

**

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Frosty the Matchmaker**

Remus placed a top hat on Frosty his snowman and stepped back to admire his work. A bottle of butterbeer was thrust in front of his face, blocking out the snowman.

"Hey Moony, Wormtail just got a crate from his grandma. I thought you'd like one," announced Sirius as he stepped into view.

"Thanks," Remus replied, slowing the bottle in his coat.

"Wicked snowman you've got here," complimented Sirius as he circled Frosty.

"Yeah, well, my hands are freezing."

"Give 'em here." Taking Remus' hands, he unbuttoned his coat and placed them on either side of his body.

Confused, Remus asked, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just warming your hands up."

After a slight pause, Remus spoke up again. "Are you gay, Sirius?"

"What gave you that impression?"

"Well, my hands are cold."

"I quite like it." Leaning in, Sirius gently planted a kiss on the werewolf's cheek. Drawing back, he waited anxiously for his friend's reaction.

Blushing a little, Remus leaned in and returned the gesture. Both believed it was the best Christmas of their lives.


	6. Lilies

**Disclaimer: Idea of the story = mine, check...the wonderful world of Harry Potter = not mine, check**

**Lilies**

James beamed as he caught sight of Lily. For the first time in seven years, she had agreed to go out with him. Was he a lucky guy or what?

"Hi, James."

"Hi, Lily. I brought you something." James produced a bouquet of red lilies from behind his back.

Lily took the bouquet and inhaled the sweet scent. "Wait, a minute," she thought. "This scent is really familiar." Her eyes flew open in shock. "Oh James—" she started.

"I know, I know," James said knowingly. "Lilies for my Lily is kind of corny, but I thought it would be romantic."

"No, James. It's that—Achoo," she sneezed.

"Are you okay, Lily? Are you coming down with a cold?" James asked concernedly.

"No, it's just that—" she started before she was interrupted by a volley of sneezes. It was getting harder and harder to breathe between sneezes, and her eyesight had started to blur together. In the distance she could faintly hear someone calling her name.

Lily dropped like a brick, but luckily James caught her and carried her to the hospital wing.

***

Madame Pomfrey had just finished forcing a brownish liquid down Lily's throat when she turned on James. "What did you give her, Potter?" she asked suspiciously.

"Just a bouquet of lilies, honest," James answered innocently.

Madame Pomfrey scoffed, "You call yourself her boyfriend. Don't give those to her. She's allergic."

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A/N: I hope you liked it!!


	7. Ink

**Disclaimer: Warning: Sorkel does not own the Harry Potter World, only the strange plots of these stories. **

**Ink**

James Potter was bored out of his mind, having nothing to do but twiddle his thumbs idly. McGonagall had Peter trapped in detention for smuggling rat feces into Snivellus' soup at lunch. Remus was diligently scribbling his report for History of Magic about Lady Elizabeth Hawkeye, a witch who had such accurate aim that her spells could hit a target hundreds of meters away. When James' eye fell on Sirius, who was snoring in a comfy armchair with a copy of Witch Weekly lying open at the article "How to Keep Your Hair Sleek and Shiny With a Few Simple Spells" in his hands, he suddenly grinned, finally finding the solution to his boredom.

Quickly, he searched his pockets for his wand and a spare quill. Spelling his quill to float in the air, he asked Remus if he could borrow some of his ink. Remus nodded without looking up from his report. Using his wand, James made his ink-filled quill draw on the sleeping Marauder's face. Only once did Sirius twitch, causing James to almost lose control of his quill, but Sirius merely wrinkled his nose and turned his head. James finished his masterpiece just as Remus left for dinner. Satisfied with the afternoon's work, he too left.

***

Sirius awoke to an empty Common Room and a growling stomach. After stretching in his armchair, he left for the Great Hall. On the way, he passed at least five groups of Gryffindors, two groups of Slytherins and four groups of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs mixed, all of whom pointed at his face openly laughing or stifling their chuckles in their hands.

Annoyed, Sirius rushed into the boy's bathroom. Catching his reflection in the mirror, he growled. Besides the usual assortment of childish doodles, a couple of ink stitches and the unavoidable mustache, on his left cheek the culprit had signed, smiley face and all, "Prongs was here =)."

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A/N: I really hope you liked it and that it wasn't too cliche...Did anybody catch the FMA reference by any chance?


	8. Conversation

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing...

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**Conversation**

James was lying in his four-poster, thinking about some new quidditch moves he longed to try out, when amid Sirius' snores he heard a low murmur from Remus' bed.

"James?" it said.

"What?" he answered.

"…"

James had just started to dream about scoring all the goals for Gryffindor with his new moves in the next match, when again he heard a murmur.

"It's true, you know."

"What is?" he asked.

"…mmm…"

"…huh? Rem—"

"Pumpkins do make the best pies…"

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**A/N: **I actually don't really like pumpkin pie. Anyway, hope you liked it. Please review.


	9. Secretive

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

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**Secretive**

"Wormtail," James called to Peter, who was trying to sneak out the Common Room door.

"Oh, hi, Prongs." Peter turned looking guilty.

"Where are you going?"

"Oh, er, I'm—I'm going to see Madam Pomfrey. Got a bit of a head cold. I'll, er, be back." With that, Peter hurried out of the Common Room.

Turning to Remus, who was playing wizard's chess with Frank Longbottom, James whined, " Moony, he's being all secretive."

"Who is?" Remus asked without turning from the board.

"Our little Wormtail."

("Knight to E4. You really shouldn't have left that castle there.") "Prongs, you're probably just imagining it."

"No, I'm not. He just doesn't talk to me all the time like he used to. He doesn't follow me around like a lost baby rat—"'

"You found that annoying, remember?" ("Bishop to C7.")

"—He's always sneaking off to who knows where at night."

"I think you're overreacting. He's probably just found a girlfriend. I don't know what you're so worried about." ("Queen to D11.")

"Maybe he found McGonagall's diary or a new passageway to Hogsmeade. Aren't you curious?"

"No." ("Checkmate.")

_Fine,_ James thought. _If you're not going to help me, then I'm going to raid his sock drawer myself. That's where most people keep their tasty little secrets. Muhahahaha…_

After shifting though a plethora of white, black and, for some reason, fuchsia socks, James found a stack of pieces of parchment that all said, "Tonight. Same place. Same Time. Do NOT be late," in elegant cursive. In between the sheets, he also found a couple of strands of long blond hair.

_Aha! _He thought. _It is __a girlfriend after all. How boring._

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**A/N:** A girlfriend? Or is it really someone else? I hope you liked it. Please review!

**A/N Part 2:** I really hope you got the innuendo from the strands of hair, but if you did not, Wormtail was not actually meeting his girlfriend. He was meeting Lucius Malfoy. I've always wondered how he hid his relationship with the dark side from the rest of the Marauders, so this is my take on it.


	10. Rumors

**Disclaimer:** You already know to whom the magical world of Harry Potter belongs. Glinda the Good belongs to L. Frank Baum.

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**Rumors**

With his arms pinned to his side, Sirius could not even move an inch. Four hours ago, an inquisitive idiot, James, eyes ablaze with excitement, ran up to his three friends, whispering plans to explore a hidden chamber on the fifth floor of the castle that was rumored to have been enchanted by one of the greatest witches of the centuries, Glinda the Good. Being the mindless adventurer he was, Sirius joined in excitedly. However, instead of discovering an age-old secret, they had somehow gotten trapped in a tiny stone room with only a small window somewhere near the top of the north wall. Screwing up his face in a futile attempt to relieve the itching feeling on his nose, Sirius let out another frustrated growl.

"Look, I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say this? I honestly thought there was something phenomenal here," James said exasperatedly.

"You would think that an experienced Marauder like you would at least be able to recognize a prank when you see one," Sirius snapped back angrily.

"Padfoot. Prongs. Is this really the time to be arguing? Our first priority is to find a way out of here. Besides, your yelling is giving Peter a headache," Remus chastised the two scowling boys. "If only we knew who came up with this rumor, then we would at least be able to figure out his style of pranking," Remus added thoughtfully.

Earlier that day, James had been in the library pretending to write his Charms essay, watching Lily twirl her hair with her quill as she struggled with her assignment on the other side of the room, when he heard a couple of Hufflepuffs whispering about an enchanted chamber. At the time, a second before the brilliant idea of finding the chamber popped into his brain, he had felt a twinge of déjà vu. Thinking back on that feeling, he knew now for certain that he had heard the rumor before. But, where?

"I'll stand on James' shoulders. You stand on mine. Then, Peter will stand on yours, reach the window and climb out to go for help," Sirius suggested.

"That'll never work, Sirius. That window has to be at least—"

"Ah!" James interrupted. "I know who came up with the rumor now. But you're not going to happy about it?"

"Who?" the others asked.

"Well…Um…You see…"

"Just spit it out, Prongs," Sirius growled.

"So, in my first year, before we had become the marauders, I had already started planning pranks. Well, I thought it would be quite clever to spread a rumor about an enchanted chamber and set up a trap for those who were gullible enough to look for it…" James trailed off.

Amid Sirius' growls of frustration and Peter's squeaks, Remus shook his head in disbelief, "How can you fall for your own prank?"

"I'm sorry. Really. But, at least, we now know how to get out," James replied timidly, knowing full well that they were not going to let this go easily.

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**A/N****:** It's been a while since I updated. For that, I am truly sorry. But, I hope you like this new little adventure of the Marauders.


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